Blurb on Body Image
By Jordan, Posted January 31, 2012 under Body Image, Personal, Weight Loss
Personally, I think I have an interesting perspective on body image. But, maybe I should let you make that decision at the end of this post, so let us start from the beginning, shall we? In high school, I danced a lot, and although I always wanted to lose weight, I wouldn’t really say that I had bad body image. As a dancer, I was used to performing for an audience in skimpy clothing, and I was proud that my body was strong and athletic. My leg muscles were awesome, just saying. When I dressed up for homecoming, I thought I was hot shit. When I gained weight in college, I was really unhappy with my body, but again, I wouldn’t say that I suffered serious body image issues. I wanted to lose weight, and I was unsatisfied with my body in way that pervaded my entire life, but the number of the scale didn’t dictate the tone of my day.
Although it seems counterintuitive, as I have lost weight, my body image issues have become more and more pronounced. When I was heavier, I always wanted to be thinner. Now that I’m thinner, there are so many other things I worry about: abs, arms, inner thighs, outer thighs, love handles, derriere. Additionally, I feel since I’ve lost weight my weight fluctuations are a lot more noticeable. When I weighed 170 pounds, if I gained five pounds my jeans still fit. Now, if I gain five pounds, my jeans don’t even button. On one side, I firmly believe that attempting to improve your body is okay. My physique is something that is ever evolving, and I’m trying to become more comfortable with the fact that, like many things in life, my body and exercise habits are cyclical. However, I went through a stage where I become pretty obsessive about the scale. Law school has also brought out an innate need to seek control over everything, including my weight.
Coming from a history of weight loss, my ability to maintain a consistent body weight is really important to me. And, bottom-line, I like to look a certain way. I’m really proud of my body because I’ve worked really hard for years to achieve the body I have, and I’m really uncomfortable when I gain weight, and I won’t apologize for that. However, I also think this is different for all people. I know that I am a lot happier looking in the mirror when I’m more toned and actively working towards a fitness goal. One of the things I love about strength training is that I can see results. I’ve see major improvements in my body from strength training, but I also find it really hard to draw the line between obsession and healthy goals. Even stranger is that, I’m not really sure what do about my weight loss mentality. I still want to lose weight. Although I could still stand to lose a few pounds, I know that I don’t need to lose weight, but I have no recollection of being at a “happy” weight, ever; I have been a bigger girl since kindergarten. I have no idea what it is like to be considered a normal weight. I know I’m relatively thin, but it is something that is really easy to forget. Last year, I went to a wedding where no one recognized me because I’d lost so much weight; it was weird. The concept of weight loss has dictated my life since early childhood, and I honestly don’t know how to be completely happy with my body.
This is kind of an open-ended post. I obviously can’t change these thoughts or behaviors overnight, but I’m in this weird place where I’m still getting used to being a smaller person, literally. I try to remind myself daily that my body is a work in process. I want to be at a place where I’m happy, and I think I’ll get there eventually. I realize this is just another phase in my weight loss journey, and I wanted to acknowledge that even though I am at a healthy weight, my journey is far from over. However, every day I get closer and closer to fully accepting my body just as it is, and it gives me hope. Because healthy is more than a number on a scale, and in my opinion, being healthy also entails being happy with your body, and I am ready to embark on this phase of my journey.
Hope that wasn’t too much for a weeknight. I promise I will talk about more upbeat things tomorrow!
Comments on this post
I think your view on body image is incredibly balanced! it’s okay to want to see results since they give you a feeling of accomplishment, even if you don’t have a super specific number or “happy weight” in mind. it looks like you enjoy the process of getting to know your body, and as long as it doesn’t become a source of negativity for you, i think you’ll know when you have found what works best for you!
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 1st, 2012 at 2:13 AM
Thanks Sarah! I was a little worried about putting this out there, and I appreciate the support. I am trying to look at in a positive side of this struggle and understand that is just a part of the process. Thanks for commenting!
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I can relate to this post in so many ways… I find that I am always a “work in progress.” I mean, why can’t I just be satisfied. No I don’t need abs and arms like Halle Berry. I truly know that I am beautiful just the way that I am… yet I always have to be striving for something… sheesh! I feel like screaming at myself – “Enough already!”
And the point about the smaller you are the more you notice weight gain. Seriously. 2 pounds and I feel like a different person. “Enough already!!”
Let’s imagine a world where we really didn’t care about these things. I’ve heard those people do exist.
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 1st, 2012 at 2:17 AM
Thanks for commenting Kristen! I was nervous about writing this, but I think so many people look at me and assume that I have always been thiner or don’t have body image issues because I have lost weight, and it just isn’t true. Thanks for the understanding and the support!
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Great Post! It is so true that when you gain weight even if its on ly a couple pounds, you can totally feel it in the way your clothes fit.
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 1st, 2012 at 4:18 AM
Yes, I am so glad I am not the only one who feels this way! Thanks for the comment.
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Hi Jordan,
I think your feelings sound totally normal and I can identify with them myself. However, I hope you might find that as time goes by, you will become more comfortable with your new weight and the tiny fluctuations which happen to everyone. I also went through a period of gaining and losing a more noticeable amount of weight, and it took me a long time to have a realistic view of what my body looked like after that. Once I settled into my body (which took years), and found a way of eating and exercising which I feel good about, I stopped feeling like I was obsessing, and started feeling comfortable in my own skin again. I no longer weigh myself, but I also don’t think my weight fluctuates as much anymore as it used to. I should clarify and say that I don’t always love every bit of my body…but I do feel happy with it overall!
Also, I just wanted to say that I had another idea for a non-dairy milk for you. Have you ever tried hemp milk? I haven’t actually tried it myself, but from the little bit I can find online, it looks like it may have more protein than almond, oat, or rice milk.
And finally, if you are currently in London, I am sure you can find nutritional yeast. I actually live in Manchester now, and although nutritional yeast isn’t in the grocery stores like it is in the US, it should be available at any health food shop, and online. Hope this helps!
~Emily~
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 1st, 2012 at 4:30 AM
Thanks so much for commenting on my blog Emily! I am definitely moving in the right direction, but I have to be cognizant that it is going to take a while for me to become completely accustomed to being at a lower weight. On some level, I think I just expected to be completely happy when I got a certain number on the scale, and when I wasn’t, I had to start digging a little deeper. I am definitely in a lot healthier place than I have been lately. Thanks for comment though. I do appreciate other bloggers perspectives and words of support.
Additionally, I haven’t tried hemp, but I have seen it in a few stores. I will have to pick up a carton this week and look at the nutritional states. Since I am eating on the go a lot, I have been trying to pay more attention to make sure I am getting enough protein. And thanks for the tip on the nutritional yeast, I have looked in a few health stores and haven’t seen it, but honestly, I am probably looking in the wrong places and should ask someone who works at the store.
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I had the exact same experience (or am still having) – I had a ton of confidence when I weighed 235. Sometimes, I think I had MORE confidence even – now I feel every pound and even can hate how an XS shirts fits, which would simply be ridiculous to the former me. Grad school definitely added to the pressure too – and I notice every day how I try to control everything! I’m working towards a healthier attitude (like through intuitive eating), but it’s crazy how much MORE I think about my body then I did when I was very overweight!
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 9:40 AM
That is a really good way to put it: I think about my body a lot more than I used to, and on one hand, I think this is a good sign because I am a lot healthier, but there is also a balance that needs to be achieved. Thanks for sharing!
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Jordan, your honesty is refreshing – especially your honesty about not really knowing how to deal with these feelings. I definitely believe that our bodies and lifestyles are a work in progress and that the focus should simply be on what makes you happy in the end. Sometimes shifting your perspective can make all the difference in the world. It’s hard to get to a place of true acceptance and comfort within your own skin, but I think with each workout, each meal, each day, each experience, you’ll get there. Thank you for posting!
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 9:43 AM
Thanks for commenting Juliette! Good to hear from you! I agree it hard to get to a place of acceptance, but I think I am closer than I ever have been, and I am grateful for that, and I have faith that my persistence and effort to get to that place of acceptance will make a difference. I appreciate the comment! Hope you are doing well roomie!
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I think that you simply writing this down is healthy and a step toward the right direction. I don’t know what is to blame for constant dissatisfaction with our bodies. I’ve always been a tiny, un-toned girl. I grew up in Florida, so I’m comfortable in a bathing suit whenever. But! When I’m at home, I have always nitpicked my inner thighs, lower belly, and less than firm arms, so I completely understand. Maybe worrying about such ridiculous things is a sign that life is good and we have too much time on our hands??
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 9:47 AM
I think you are right on “worrying about such ridiculous things!” I think I tend to be a lot happier when I am social and busy, and honestly, I realize that these feelings I have about my body do nothing but hold me back from enjoying the moment, yet it is still something I struggle with. I am working on it though, and I appreciate the thoughtful words and support!
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Very interesting thoughts! Thank you for sharing them.
I started losing weight at the end of my college career, and now I’m really thin. After just moving across the country, and the stress of that + a new job + focusing on a “vegan with benefits” diet, I’ve lost even MORE weight. I know I could gain and be fine, but you still tackle that mentality that gaining = bad and losing = good. It is a hard thing to grapple with! I like your objective, and positive, outlook on the issue.
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Jordan Lynn Reply:
February 2nd, 2012 at 9:52 AM
Yeah, sometimes body image is just this evil mind game that I am still trying to wrap my head around it. Also, external circumstances like law school, moving, ect. tend to make me focus too much on my weight, ect. because I am trying to exert control over something or anything in my life that is malleable. However, I think you are exactly right about being positive. Positivity helps immensely, and it is a process, but I think I am finally ready to deal with it. Thank you for commenting Sarah!
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